Over the weekend something happened that put me in a total spin. Well, for about fifteen minutes…
You see, I’d planned a weekend away. A weekend without children, without agenda. Just for me.
As a solo-parent I don’t get a lot of that. Though let’s face it, even parenting with someone, these moments of solitude are often few and far between for many.
But I had a plan. My parents were taking the kids for two nights and I was giddy with excitement.
In fact, I don’t think I even realised how giddy I was until Mum called the day before with the news that she and Dad were really unwell and they wouldn’t be able to look after the kids. The poor things were heartbroken not to be able to help and of course see their beloved grandkids.
Tears started silently falling down my face as I felt my precious weekend escape slip away. And then I spiralled into all the stories that are so easy to spiral into…
…. I never get any time for me.
…. No one understands how much I needed this.
…. The school holidays feel unbearable without a break.
…. POOR ME!
…. 2020 WHAT THE ACTUAL F*&K ARE YOU!?
I gave myself the chance to feel all the feels. And then I did what has become common practice for me and for those that learn from me inside Ready for Change.
I decided to take responsibility for the plans changing and seek solutions. Just because my PARENTS were unwell didn’t mean that there weren’t other options.
Listen in to this week’s podcast, or read the transcript below of the secret to getting everything you want.
You’ll learn all about the big mindset shift you can make when the chips are down. And how it can move you from victim of your circumstances to powerful creator of the life you want.
Hey, so something happened over the weekend and I wanted to share it with you because I think it so perfectly describes the concept that I talk about all the time, but that can sometimes perhaps seem a little bit abstract or tokenistic or just like words, which a lot of this stuff can. I hate the word self-development, I much prefer to think of myself as evolving. I think we’re all perfect as we are, but there’s things that happen and there’s little tools that we can add to our toolkit that kind of help evolve us, help move us out of where we are.
And so I wanted to share a little story about how the concept of responsibility, taking personal responsibility for everything that kind of is and isn’t in my life, played out for me, and I think it might really help you because I know when a lot of … When I share this, I share this with my ready for changes, I talk about it all the time. It’s a concept that really changed my life at a time where I thought I had very limited choices, at a time that I felt like my life was actually about everybody else, and I didn’t want to take on any more responsibilities.
But it’s not actually about that. It’s actually about owning that if there’s something that we want to change, if there’s something that we keep complaining about, if there’s something that we want, well, it’s not actually on anybody else to help us do that, it’s on us. And we have a lot more choice, I think, than a lot of the time we give ourselves credit for, even if that’s just a choice to see things in a different way, which might give us a whole lot of freedom.
Anyway, this is the situation, if you’ve only just met me, hey. I solo parent, my three children. Their dad passed away last year and so 2020 has been pretty interesting in terms of lock down and needing to get resourceful with my energy and my time and patience levels and stuff, and I think I’ve done okay. We’ve done okay as a little unit, but it’s … In the school holidays, my mom, who’s amazing, encouraged me to just … They’d mind the children for a few nights and I could get away.
And I was like, yes, please. That would be amazing, and so I booked two nights away and I don’t think I realised how much I was looking forward to that, or perhaps how much I needed that until the day before I was going, mum called and she was really, really unwell. She’d been trying to get herself better all week, her and dad were unwell, and I know it broke her heart to tell me that she couldn’t take care of the children.
And I was out on a walk with the kids and tears just started coming down my eyes because I felt so sad. I felt like oh, I was really looking forward to that. I really needed that, that little get away. Just some time to myself, it’s so rare, and two nights just felt like the most delicious thing I could ever imagine. I felt like I needed space. Don’t we all sometimes?
And so anyway, I felt really, really sad and ended up really needing to take some time to feel all those feelings and I felt myself going down that victimhood kind of spiral, I’m sure you know it, we’ve all been there, like that, “Woe is me. I’ll never get a break. It’s just this solo parenting is relentless” All of the things. And I was just having a good cry, which I think is allowed.
And it’s so important to honour whatever it is that we’re feeling, but then something else kicks in and it’s this sense that I have now in myself. Well, if I am really sad about this, if I actually genuinely feel like this is something that I need, I would benefit from, let’s face it, the kids would benefit, were going to benefit by having some time away from me and having time in a different routine. And of course, they were going to miss their grandparents, but it took me about 10 minutes and I was like hmm, what can we do here? If this is something that I do want then I can find a solution.
So I just jumped on the phone and I contacted my sister first, who often says to me, “Can you please just reach out if there’s anything that you need?” And it’s a new thing. Well no, it’s not new, I have been leaning into it more and more, but this time, I mean, three kids overnight on a Friday night. And she has her daughters, her two daughters, and I just asked for help. And I said, “I really feel like I need this Friday or Saturday night. Are you free to take the kids?” And then within a minute or two, “Sure, sis. We’ll make it happen Friday night suits us best. Let me know the details.” And we were away. And then I contacted our babysitter and just said, “Hey, how do you feel about a sleepover at our house on Saturday night?” And within a few minutes I got a message back saying, “Don’t think I’ve got anything on, I’ll just have a check and sounds awesome.”
So all of the drama I could have created for myself, all of the victimhood about this not being possible for me and not getting a break, and all of that kind of thing was kind of turned around in the space of 15 or 20 minutes because I took responsibility for finding a solution. Now if I’d tried a few different angles and it hadn’t worked out, well at least I’d have given it a go.
I wonder how many times you, because I know I do it too, something isn’t kind of going your way or you feel like you’re getting the raw end of a deal, do you just kind of marinate in that? Feel sad about it, allow that kind of that victim mentality, or do you go okay if I want this, well, what’s my other options here? Is there another option? How can I think outside the square about this right now? And when you do that, as soon as you do that, you’re putting yourself back in to your own power, because then, I mean, you’ve just claimed it. You’re not waiting for an answer from outside you.
And I spoke to mum after I went away, had a lovely, a lovely time, just the best time. Sort of pep in my step this week. I feel I got clarity. I re-energised myself. I went to the mountains and I just breathed in fresh air and went walking and sat by an open fire and just felt really good, and that spurs me on in all sorts of different areas of my life. And I got that because I didn’t accept that it was going to be taken away from me even although it’s the way it kind of felt.
And so when I spoke to mum afterwards and she said she was so sorry for not being able to do it, and I actually said to her, “You gave me a gift. Now I know I don’t need to rely on you and dad, that there’s other resources at my disposal and in fact, the kids had such a good time and our babysitter had a great time too.” And so I spoke to him about maybe that being something that happens once a month, once every two months. Like whoa, what’s possible for me if I actually lock in some time away and fellow solo parents might know the feeling that I don’t have that co-parenting gig where I get some nights away from my children. If I want it, I’ve got to claim it.
And so this is the power of recognising you can buy into stories about who you are, what your circumstances have to mean to you, or if you’re taking full responsibility for what you want from your life and recognising that sometimes things don’t work out and we’ve got to roll with that too. I mean, I never thought I would be in this position. This is not my ideal way of doing life at all, but I sure as hell am not going to let that be a reason why my life has to be really hard or really troubled or anything like that.
Okay, so I’m here now and what do I want from here? Not looking back, and I do that a lot, grief is real, but if I’m going to be responsible for having a great life filled with happiness and connection and honesty and authenticity and beauty and abundance, well, that comes from inside me. It’s not coming … I don’t need anything, anyone to give that to me. My life is actually a reflection of me.
So I work on myself, I take responsibility for my health, for resting, for looking for choice where it feels like I’ve got none, and I can move through and make things happen. And I really want to encourage you to look at where you might be playing that victim card, that woe is me. And also P.S. Solo parenting, I’m not saying it’s a super easy thing and life is easy street, and I’m not saying that your circumstances, aren’t really hard to juggle, but here’s the thing about that even, I am not a person who has traditionally in my life lacked asking for help. I actually have probably been high functioning to my detriment and leaning into that side of me that allows myself to receive, a really important thing and once again, because I can’t do it all and I have to look for help.
This isn’t about that stiff upper lip. I can do this, I can do anything. No, I don’t want to live my life like that and I’m sure you don’t too, but it takes practise to actually lean in and recognise well, like there’s support around me. And something that I say to myself now is that support is around me in endless supply, it’s just that I have to look for it, I have to be open to it, and we can’t do that when we’re just in our victimhood.
This is what I’ve found. That if I’m feeling like that, if I feel I can’t shift something well, I’ve got a psychologist, I’ve got a kinesiologist, I’ve got a chiropractor. I’ve got all sorts of things at my disposal and I’m learning all the time about what supporting myself might look like because it’s my responsibility to take care of myself. It’s my responsibility to create a life that feels really good. And when I really got that and what happened with that weekend away was just a really good example that I thought I would share that might make some of these airy fairy concepts sometimes real.
That was me putting it into action and then getting a different result than I might have if I just allowed myself to go down that thought spiral of I never get a break. It’s an easy story to believe and go down and I choose to seek out options. No one else was going to offer me the solution. It needed to be me who decided that there was one and I could seek it out.
So where else in your life could you do this? Have you accepted a certain way of being, a certain circumstance? When maybe if you dig a little bit, there might be a different choice to make. Maybe there’s support there for you and you’re not as alone as you thought you were. Maybe it’s that you just need the courage to say no and take some things off your plate. No one’s going to do that for you, it’s your responsibility.
You can make your life whatever you want and learning this concept of taking radical responsibility for myself really, really changed that. So I hope that that little story helps you see how I put in practise into my life and I’d love to hear from you if there’s ways that you use this concept, especially if you’re ready for change. If you’ve been joining me in any of my programmes, then I’d love to hear about you, and I want you to remember that you can grab the Back To You program, which is just the most beautiful exploration into you.
It brings you back home. It allows you to see where your life is overwhelming and how you can cut that down and reconnect back in with what it is you want, and then create some steps on how to get there. It’s available for only $27, and I am making it available at that price because I think every woman deserves to come home to herself. So you can grab that via the link and I would be thrilled for you to start doing those simple exercises and get back to you. That’s it for me today. I’ll see you soon.