CwL on the road Ep 8 – A lovely afternoon on the edge of Lake Biwa

I’m sitting at what would be referred to as a beach in Japan. It’s actually a lake, Lake Biwa, and Onnie Mako is the place. And I don’t think I’ll ever forget this moment because It’s one of those absolutely ‘perfect pinch me now is this actually real’ moments, and I have been crying so much. Been in the water a lot. Now I’ve got very pink shoulders, so I’m coming from the water. And I’ve just been watching the kids, and they’re having a ball. It’s 37 degrees in Kyoto today, and I just thought that we’re not gonna be going to walk around that city and look at temples and stuff in this heat. Surely, there’s gonna be a place we can cool off and we’ve landed in this most absolutely magical location. And I was sitting watching the kids, just reveling in them, really. You know, when you can see your children really sort of see them in their element, and now I’m being called back into the water. 

And for the first time, for a really long time, I felt Nick right next to me. I was thinking about just how in all of these beautiful, blissful moments with the kids. It’s just you know, it’s always this double-edged sword because god. It’s just so bad. It can’t even be expressed. And it’s just so sad. He’s not here. He would have loved this off-the-beaten-track spot. He would have loved that we just bought lunch from this little shack, this little family-owned shack. We think they might live upstairs, and his son said, I just love that we bought from the people. I don’t know if they get many people buying from them, which is exactly what Nick would have you know, always after the underdog, always looking for, you know, not the showy, not the super popular, but the real deal.

And he just would have loved how beautiful this is. how much the kids were enjoying it, the fact that the boy is getting a real good workout, I’ve literally just spent, you know, at least an hour throwing a ball at him being to catch because that’s just what he likes to do. Make it hard, Mom.

And the girls are just playing together. They have a game that they always play at the beach. And they could just do it for hours. Literally hours and hours.

And I just… I felt him like he was here. It was like he was here. And I just don’t know. Don’t know how to feel that. I know I never will be able to. Like, I don’t always not be here. And sometimes, it’s always in the most special moments that it becomes so acute in me, you know, it’s pointy with her And one of them is walking towards me now. I will pause. So we ended up just having some hot chips, which even the kids were saying these are the best chips I’ve ever had. This is literally the perfect day. Nothing could ruin my stay. Even they are aware that this is just some kind of magical moment. 

They said this is their best day in Japan so far. And I said even better than Universal Studios and they’re like, it’s just a different kind of amazing. And I really do get that there is just nothing that compares to the simplicity of a moment in nature, beauty, everyone having a good time, having relief from heat. You know, it’s just simple stuff. So I’m watching them now. Everyone’s got pink shoulders, the girls, who didn’t get the new rashies before we left, so they didn’t bathers. sort of, like, almost for the first time in full sun, and my youngest has super pale skin like me. I’m so worried about her. We’ve lathered up multiple times.

But they’re in the shade now, and I’m just watching them again. I just don’t wanna leave. That It’s just it’s just honestly some sort of special moment. And I’ve been thinking a lot about feeling this good as a norm. and wondering how you know, I know that these moments aren’t everyday life, but some people do live this way. Some people do travel with their kids and beautiful places to live and figure out a lifestyle that works for them. Just curious about that for myself. What I’ll end up feeling, or after 5 months, if I’ll be like, get me to my bed, get me to lunch boxes, and a normal rhythm, and soccer training and pickleball for me, all those sorts of things. I don’t know. It’s gonna be really interesting. All I know is right now that today brought magic, and I felt Nick right here with us. And I have not felt him for a really long time.

I am grateful for that.

And I do kind of sit in. I guess I have a peacefulness that there will always be this moment of realization that he’s not there when we’re all having a perfect moment. And I guess it will always hurt, but maybe not as much. I don’t know. I don’t know. Like, am I just setting myself up for 5 months with emotion? I mean, Yeah. That’s what this was all about. It was just an exploration of self and grief and moving on, moving through, moving with. I will continue to reflect and explore and just be as present as I can to the magic of these moments because even the kids know this is something special moment in time.

Now I need to have a 40-minute train ride back to stinky hot Kyoto, and we’ll probably get onigiri from the 7/11 because everyone likes it. And there’s some nice salads and stuff you can get there. Need to do some washing. But when this place said they had laundry, he kind of went back to the washing machine in your room. Instead, this one has a joint washing machine. And you can’t even see the tie countdown timer go down, so there’s literally one washing machine sheen, and you might need to be going down every 20 minutes to see if it’s time for you. I The boy has found a rock, and now he’s throwing it because that’s what he does. I’m watching So funny because I was saying to him before, I wonder what age you’ll get when you won’t want me to throw balls at you, Hussein. Good job. When I’m 25, I was so gonna watch it at your poison. And I said, surely, there might be someone special in your life or maybe some friends that’ll throw a ball at you. 

Anyway, there’s another traveling family. I think they might be Scandinavian, and there’s two boys. I’d say they’re about 15 and 17. And this one kid is literally on the sand on the beach. Just throwing a ball at his mom. And she’s catching and throwing it back, and he’s getting frustrated because she’s not doing very well, but he’s not stopping because someone threw him. Oh, it’s a thing. It’s a thing. boys as little puppies who need a bit of a run around who like balls thrown. I’ve got myself one of those and my god. I love that child. Anyway, he better pack up, so now he’s finding some dead fish. and he’s throwing back out. Fuck.

I actually said to him before, What do you think about when I’m throwing these balls at you and he’s like, just getting the balls? What a life. Anyway, I also said to him because he’s like, Mommy, you’re crying. Why are you crying? And I said, I’m so so happy. Sort of thinking about Dad. He’s just sort of quiet, and I said, hey, you know, when people are experiencing big emotions, do you know what to do? He goes, well, kind of do with you and the girls, but, like, if Omar had big emotions and she cried, I would not know what to do. That’s his grandma, my mom, and so we had a bit of a chat about what it means to hold a space for someone’s emotions, not try to fix them, but just, you know, what do people want in those moments and making sure that we find out. really?

And he asked if my recent boyfriend was good at that and I told him, yeah. I think it was actually one of the things that I appreciated most about him was his extraordinary ability to just allow me room to move through my emotions and just be there for them and ask what I needed in those moments. and then deliver it. It was exceptional at that, actually. I mean, how could I be someone through these years who wasn’t good at that because there’s been a lot of emotions, so we saw a lot to move through, a lot of brief. I mean, there was the COVID years. Everyone had stuff at that time. So We spoke about that, and what I appreciated from him was good. Anyway, they’re waving at me now. I’m being called back into the water. Maybe it would be good to be nice and wet before we head back.