CwL Ep77: Three Things That Bring Me Peace

Hi, it’s Lisa Corduff. Welcome to the podcast where you can expect inspiring, raw, energising and transformative conversations with people on the path of personal evolution. I’m here to really live my life and if you are too, these conversations are just for you. I’m really glad you’re here. Enjoy.

Hi, everyone. Oh, it’s a good day. Well, I’m looking outside. It’s pouring with rain. It’s another day of lockdown here in Melbourne. Oh, and I laugh, but here’s the thing. Here’s the actual thing, is that I just wanted to send out a big, huge dose of love at the top of this episode for everyone who is finding themselves really at the end of their tether, really unsure with how to move forward in meaningful ways with anything right now. If that is you, I absolutely hear you. I am really so proud of the women who are in my Momentum programme, who are moving forward on things that matter to them, their businesses, amongst really tricky circumstances. And I know that there’s literally just millions of women out there right now who are really close to this being enough now, and it’s not easy.

I wanted to share that on the top of this podcast episode, because what I’m going to be sharing with you, I never ever want you to hear things from me or from anyone else and think of silver bullets or that I live this stuff out 24/7 and my life is Zen, and see you later, nothing affects me. I am living in the seventh dimension and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look, just no to that. And if you hung around this place long enough, you’ll know that the things that I share, there’s always a practical element because I’m a particularly practical person. I like learning the bigger concepts, but then I have to make them meaningful in my own life. And I think that so much of what we see out there online is silver bullet strategy-ish. And I get a bit tired of seeing that stuff, especially because a lot of it doesn’t take into account just the nuances, the grey area in which most of us live.

I know that that living our way of life, especially if you’ve been like me and in extended lockdowns, I mean, it’s a really, really crazy scenario and I’m not here to create a conversation about that. There’s enough of that happening out there and you can tap into it if you want to. But I’m actually going to be addressing how I’ve coped with that sort of thing to help me come back to peace a lot more. And peace is a vibration. It’s a word… I mean, I say a vibration because I literally feel that… Well, we all know that we’re an energy body and that different emotions, different states hold different frequencies. We vibrate at different levels. And I’ve mentioned this before about everything having its own energy. And for me, I love a rush. I love a rush of a deadline.

That can really turn me on. I’ve actually had to figure out ways in which to not continue that addictive cycle of needing a high and a low and all of that sort of thing, because the way that I work or the way that I have trained myself to be is someone who thrives with that kind of intensity. And it’s actually not how I want to live at all, but it’s like it’s very own addiction. And this word, peace, you can interchange that as I move through these three things that bring me closer to a feeling of peacefulness during crazy times. You can interchange whatever it is that you want to feel more of, where you want your energy to be sitting on that scale. Do you want it to be joyful? Do you just want to feel calm? Do you want to feel expansive? Whatever it is, you can choose a word. But for me, and if you know anything about human design, which I find fascinating, it’s actually a part of my design that I crave peace and it makes so much sense.

Harmony is something that I strive for in relationships, in my home, in my business. And that’s a double-edged sword. All of this stuff always is because that presented in me as a sweep that under the carpet a little bit vibe for a long time, because I valued harmony. I valued peace. And so I would just put my head in the sand a little bit or I’d sweep things under the carpet. I’d be able to move past them probably quicker than most people. I also am really quite a patient person. It takes me a long time to get to the end of my fuse, but you never know when I’m at the end of my fees. But I can maintain this sense of peacefulness, but it’s not always good in that it has led me to, perhaps, not have conversations that I’ve needed to have. It’s led me to get into a state of self-denial or of not really seeing what’s there.

And I have to constantly check myself on that. Peace for me now means speaking my truth and allowing that to have the effects that it’s going to have, because I want to operate from an honest space, an expansive space, a growth space and that means that I have to step outside my comfort zone and do some things that feel uncomfortable. And when I’m presented with those opportunities, I really just sit with myself and work out what’s the best way to jam on this. And yeah, so I actually find it really, really interesting. It’s like my next level of growth. We’ve all got them. But I will never not be a person who really thrives in peaceful situations like, oh, that’s sort of my goal. And there’s been a lot, a lot that comes up for all of our lives that takes us away from that feeling of peace, calm, harmony, whatever it is that you want.

So I’m going to be sharing you three things, and they’re pretty practical, actually, because I always want you guys to be able to try new things off the back of this, if this feels like something that you would like more of in your life. And if you’ve been around a while, you know my story, and you know that I started to practise this stuff amongst really exceptionally uncertain and well, unpeaceful times. Let’s be honest. Watching someone you love be taken by addiction, watching your family sort of dissolve from the idea of what you thought it was. Having to let go of relationships. The recovery-relapse situation is endlessly chaotic. It’s chaos. And so all of these things are things that when it came to living with lockdowns and the level of uncertainty that we’ve had to these past few years, it felt like I almost had a muscle that had been flexed and was ready to go, was ready to be able to potentially keep me okay maybe a bit longer than if I hadn’t had the chance to start flexing these muscles, if I hadn’t been practising these three things that bring me peace.

So let me dive in. For what it’s worth, I hope this helps. The first one is that I had to get very conscious to when I was entangling in other people’s stuff. So when you dive on in and you’re really in other people’s issues and they’re not your issues, but suddenly they become yours and you’re in and it’s all really, really messy and suddenly all of your energy is being taken by other people’s drama. I started to get really discerning about what really needed to involve me. What was I willing to get entangled with? And I mean, I’m even talking about that in terms of my children. We can ride the highs and lows along with them, or we can observe them and support them from where we are. I think of that like jumping in a puddle, a muddy puddle, and I look at someone and they’re in their puddle and we have this choice. We could just jump right in, get our feet wet. You feel cold and miserable.

And is that really helping that person in the first place? Was it really the best choice to jump in that puddle too? Who’s winning here? Or is it like, okay, I can see them in their puddle. They are in that muddy puddle and they’re not super happy about it. So do I jump in or can I support them from here from the dry piece of ground, be here for them, maybe pop out a hand so that they can jump out, if they’re willing to? Some people love being in their muddy puddles. They do. You know those people. And no matter what you do, they’re going to try to get you in that puddle. They don’t want to get out. And you have to make this decision. Hang on, is this really for me? Is this my puddle? I don’t know, there’s puddles everywhere. Actually, I’m going to let you be in that puddle. I’m here if you need me, but I’m not jumping in there with you.

This is not going to be an us puddle. For sure, there’s other puddles that we absolutely jump in. We’re with our people. It’s something we need to work through too, where we’re all in, and then we can work our way out together or you can jump out when you’re ready. But I think we forget we’ve got choice around this. And as women, that natural, nurturing often empathetic way of being can find us jumping in puddles all the time, but it really disrupts my peace when I’m doing that. I mean, my best friend calls me and she is in all sorts of stuff. She’s having a fight with her boyfriend or something like that. And I am here and I am observing and I am a loving her in her puddle. It’s not mine to fix. It’s mine to support, witness, allow space for. She’s got this. I’m there. She doesn’t want me in a puddle anyway, but she needs to just voice it.

And can you see the difference in the energy there? It’s so empowering when we can allow other people to be in their stuff and not feel that we need to entangle with it. Think about that also, just in your online interactions. I have people messaging me all the time on social media, wanting me to take a stand either way about all of the big issues that are dividing people at the moment. And I choose to not get entangled amongst that. I’m choosing my peace. I am really discerning with what I look at online. I have completely, practically, distanced myself totally from the news cycle. If there’s something that I need to know about, okay. Otherwise, I just can’t be in it. And I know that that might look like I am not fighting for something either way. There’s a lot of other people fighting out there. It’s just not something that I feel the need to get entangled with. It’s not where I want to be. I am a really, really sure about where it’s most helpful for my attention and my energy to be and you can choose that too.

It’s been a really big thing for me to recognise, even with my community members inside my programmes. I can be on rollercoaster rides supporting people, but I had to learn that there’s a gap there that I don’t actually have to be entangled with it all. Is it your puddle? Okay? And the second thing is that helps me bring me peace in crazy times is I rest. I rest enough so I’m not triggered 24/7. I rest enough to come at the day, and remember, this is not every day. For example, my daughter came into my bed at 4:00 AM this morning, and it took me about two hours to get back to sleep after that. But I rest enough so that it’s easier to make good choices during the day. Everything is harder. We’re so much more easily triggered when we’re tired. It’s one of the simplest things that I do for myself is to actually just get enough sleep and live a life that doesn’t feel frantic.

And there’s absolutely times of frantic. Absolutely there is. But because I’m not coming from a base of that is my default, then I can bring it in those times and then I know how to bring myself back to base. I mean, choosing to respond to a situation instead of just immediately react, so much easier when we’re rested. Can you see the power of that one simple thing? If anything is off in your life, start with why you’re tired. I’m a person who really likes to rest and I was so, so tired still and I just thought, “I’m doing all the things that I know I need to do.” So I went to my doctor and it turned out I was really anaemic. He told me to run, but I couldn’t run because I would’ve been out of breath, to get an iron infusion. Our body’s always giving us signs here. We need to really, really acknowledge how being tired and depleted means life is harder. It’s less peaceful.

You are quicker to be triggered. You are quicker to react. You’re probably quicker to yell at someone when if you were rested, you might’ve just thought, “Oh, hang on. What’s happening here?” If I’m tired, I’m just walking around feeling like a hot mess, making hot mess decisions and that doesn’t feel nice to me. It doesn’t feel peaceful. Address your tiredness. Honour what your body is needing. Oh God, how did we get so freaking disconnected? Okay, now the third thing that brings me peace in crazy times are… Can I just say also on the rest thing, when shit was really hitting the fan and Nick would be in relapse and then there would be another rehab stint and on the back of a really crazy time, then it would be just me with the kids. And oh my God, just trying to hold all those balls in the air, my God,.I just learnt how to say no without guilt, without explanation.

I could see that I was the core asset in my life and that everything was working better if I just gave myself the chance to recover and rest and just made life as uncomplicated as I could, because it was complicated enough. And that’s where I recognise we actually have way more choice than we realise. Okay. The third one, and this is a doozy, and for anyone who’s done ready for change, for anyone who is about to do ready for change, you’ll come to really understand how much meaning you create from situations when potentially there’s no meaning. So the third thing that I do that brings me peace is I try hard not to create meaning where there is none. I’m going to give you an example of this, if this feels new to you. And because when I teach this and when I show you how you’re doing it, it is one of the most empowering things I ever learnt was about humans being meaning, making machines. We love to place a meaning on things. We like to find a meaning most of the time. It’s also not that great.

So here’s an example. I remember when I started to date my boyfriend and I’d send him a message in the morning and I wouldn’t hear from him for hours. He was at work, but nothing. Just not even… He hadn’t even opened the message or he might’ve opened the message and nothing came back. Oh, you can imagine. I would go through every thing I could’ve done wrong. Oh my gosh. Okay, so last night when he left, I didn’t blah, blah, blah. Or, oh, he’s probably just started to think blah-blah-blah. Oh my gosh. I wonder if he’s just lost interest or I wonder. Maybe it was because I didn’t ask… I mean, I’m making stuff up now, but I can’t even think of all of the things because I knew what I knew and I knew I was going into meaning-making and I would find it so hard to switch that off.

But every time I did, I was always so glad because I could have spent a whole day freaking out and then at six o’clock, I would get a message saying, “Hey, literally been in meetings all day. I cannot wait to see you.” I could have wasted a whole day. So when I’m feeling like I’m going into meaning-making, when I literally have no idea what’s going on with someone else, with a particular circumstance, whatever. I mean, we can go to town, can’t we? Or we can just think, hang on. Before I dramatise, before I create meaning where there might not be any, I might just wait and see what happens. I’m just going to stop. I’m just going to go and think about the things that actually require my energy and attention. Most of the time, it’s got nothing to do with us. Members of Ready For Change, when we talk about this and then there’s a programme, a six month coaching immersion called Live the Change on the back of it, and it always comes up, especially around in-laws and family or friendship groups.

I wasn’t invited somewhere, or they didn’t include us here or they said this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it’s like, well, hang on a minute. Do you actually understand what’s going on here? Are you just guessing? Are you creating meaning here? Is this just feeding your story that you find it hard to make friends? Is this just feeding your story that you’ll never be embraced by your in-laws? Are you looking for meaning here when maybe there is none? Let’s just take a beat because we give away our peace when we’re trying to figure stuff out that most likely has nothing to do with us. I mean, most of the time, it doesn’t. I hate to tell you. Most people are just doing their own thing. They’re living their life. They’re making decisions for themselves, whatever. And you’ve created meaning and you’ve given away your peace. Such a simple thing to do.

Hang on. Where am I going with this? Do I want to go down this rabbit hole? No. I’m just going to wait and see. Makes such a difference. And I talk about this a lot more inside Ready For Change. And I think that any woman who feels herself ruminating on stuff, knows exactly what I’m talking about here and the power that it can have to disrupt your peace. So I really want to encourage you. There was three things that I share. Three things that make me feel more peaceful, no matter what’s going on around me. I don’t entangle in other people’s stuff. I just ask myself, “Hang on, is this for me? Do I need to jump in that puddle?” I rest. Rest your beautiful body, you beautiful, amazing woman. Come at the day feeling more peaceful. And I know that’s hard for so many different reasons.

I do. I do. I mean, I had three kids in under four years. I know. I know solo parent my children. I know. But we can still create lives where we’re not depleted all the time. And the third thing is try hard not to create meaning where there might not be any. It’s such an easy way to give away our peace and our power and our brains love doing it, don’t they? Anyone who considers themselves an over thinker is like ‘I need to know more about this’. And I have to say, we have just closed the doors to Ready for Change but if you are looking for a way to get started on your personal growth journey or take wherever you’re at to the next level, then I have the most perfect program waiting for you to dive into right now! It’s called Back to You and it’s filled with really simple but expansive exercises to bring you home to yourself. To remind you of what matters. To get yourself on your own priority list. It’s going to turn the lights on in many areas of your life and give you a really simple framework to implement changes that make life feel different. If you’re interested, just click the link in the show notes, get taken there and get started straight away!